Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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