Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
