i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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