you guys were way drunker than both of me
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
