I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
