Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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