I wannas sexs uuuuu
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
