I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
