How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
