she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
