i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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