I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
