My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
