I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
