My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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