He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
why do cheetos always look like penises
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
