dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
