I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
