So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
