I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
