I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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