I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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