When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
