Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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