The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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