The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
