So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
