I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
