I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
