she was so not down for the gang bang
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
