I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
50% drunk capacity currently
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
