I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
