so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
