You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
