Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
