I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
