Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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