i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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