drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
