The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
