If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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