I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
