dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
