I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
