im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
