So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
