The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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