Have you finally orgasmed yet?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
