I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Drake has all the answers
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
