I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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