my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
