My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
